“My cup runneth over”

Today was first scan day. I actually slept really well (and was only up once in the night), but as I got up and got ready the nerves were kicking in.  OH and I got the train to London and were a bit early to the clinic. Sitting in the waiting room I really just had to concentrate on long deep breaths, and try to keep relaxed. Easier said than done when our first scan experience last ivf cycle was such a sad experience. As we walked into the consultation room I couldn’t hold it together any more and had a little weep. I’m actually really proud of myself for holding it together these last few days as well as I have, I really expected to be a lot worse, but I’ve tried very hard to be hopeful and positive and believe and trust this time would be different, so I guess that did pay off. Anyway the doctor and nurse were both lovely and understanding, and brought me tissues. The Dr went through where I was at and chuckled that I already knew exactly my due date (11th feb) – thanks to the IVF calculator on the fertility support forum I’m on!

Then I was up on the bed, clutching OH’s hand for dear life. This time we had the wand internal scan.. I had expected an ultrasound on my belly which is what happened last year, but the Dr said at this early stage it isn’t as clear. And there on the screen appeared one lovely tiny baby, with a clear beating heart! It was a wonderful moment and SUCH a relief! We laughed that it was definately a child of mine as it was measuring exactly 1cm.. I guess they maybe don’t often get a whole round number at this stage. The heart beat was 143bpm and we got to hear it as well as see it, which was just magical! So here is our little Baby B, with the heart rate showing at the bottom! 

Baby B at 7 weeks 1 day

Baby B is the slightly bigger blob! Since  we don’t know if it was Birch or Beech which was the embryo that stuck, we’ve gone with Baby B as our new pet name for our little one.

I am so very very happy, and so very grateful we have got this far. Clearly it is still early days, but I don’t think anything will be as nerve wracking for me as this was. We are back in two weeks for another scan just to check progress, and then I’ll be in the hands of the NHS after that.

It really feels real now! I AM most definately pregnant! There is a mini version of OH and me busy growing!  Life is good 😉

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Possible additional symptoms?

So yesterday morning I started feeling… not exactly sick…and not exactly heartburn.. But somehow almost an in between of the two. It did seem to ease when I nibbled on an oatcake, but I did have it several times through the morning, so could it be the start of morning sickness or am I reading too much into it in my hope for more signs?

Today I’ve felt like someone unplugged my power and the battery has almost drained. I woke up early as is the norm now (when I say early that’s just after 7 which is early for me and amazing just to wake up before an alarm!) and I had healthy porridge cooked with banana, blueberry and chopped up dried pear, and a sprinkling of chia seeds, flaxseed and a small drizzle of honey on top. It was lush. Had my prednisolone, estrogen, pregnancy multivitamin, and then went back to bed. I didn’t sleep again but felt oh so tired, which I’ve continued to do all day. I think it must be the pregnancy as although we were out at a friends wedding yesterday we were home by midnight and I didn’t feel like it was particularly taxing on my energy levels or anything. 

I enjoyed a little dancing. I love to dance but I was a bit worried (probably for no reason!) about jiggling birch and beech around too much, and thankfully in a way a lot of the music wasn’t really my thing (there was a DJ and my friends like almost rave style clubbing music which I don’t mind but think it gets a bit samey and I can’t dance to it for long, and a lot of that style was played), so I was happy to sit out a lot of it and just chat to people. 

It was kinda funny being sober at a wedding though. It made me think about how times change and how when my mother was pregnant with me people didn’t know you shouldn’t drink when pregnant. It made me wonder what we will learn in the coming years, and what any child of mine may know about pregnancy in the future that we don’t know now. Something to ponder on!

Just waiting….

I haven’t posted in a while as there just hasn’t been much to say. I feel caught in a “is it really working? is everything going ok?” limbo land. This week I think was especially hard as I know last year when I had my MMC they said my little one didn’t measure more than 6 weeks in size (this was at 8 week scan with no heartbeat) so this would have been the week it stopped growing.  I keep telling myself I can’t compare to last time, so much has been different this cycle:

  •  I know I have great vitamin D levels now. 
  • I know I’m taking all the drugs possible to help my immune system not to go into overdrive and try to fight my little one(s?) off.  Last time the old clinic even stopped my progesterone after the test date.
  • I know I’m more rested and calm and less stressed now I’m working just 3 days a week for a while.
  •  I feel the pregnancy is stronger this time .. Not only do I know my hCG levels were very healthy 2 weeks ago (they were never tested last year), but even the first pee on a stick test the second line was so strong and clear compared to last year where it was so feint we weren’t sure it was true or not (and had to do a second test using a clear blue which did say 1-2 weeks pregnant).

Logically and sensibly I know I should just stop with the worrying and have faith this will be my time, but it’s easier said than done!  If I could just have a few more symptoms I think it would be reassuring. Bring on some morning sickness (actually maybe not until at least Sunday so I’m good for my friends wedding tomorrow!). Bring on some extreme fatigue (I’ve felt a little tired at times, but never to the point of needing to go to bed early…but I do wonder if my 2 days off work helps with keeping more rested in general and hence not being hit with huge fatigue?). Bring on an increased sense of smell.

I do have big and tender boobs (which OH of course just keeps trying to prod or squeeze or poke..despite me saying it hurts!), but that could just as much be the progesterone. My belly doesn’t feel normal and I’m a little bloated from slow slow digestion. I do have to wee a lot (including in the night.. sometimes as many as 3 times! Thankfully none last night!). So it’s not like I have no symptoms. Maybe I’m greedy to want more. I should probably be glad I’m not feeling sick or more tired. But it’s hard. Many ladies just are calm and believe all is fine because there has been no bleeding, but after going through a MMC it is hard to assume that.

I did do another pregnancy test today.. Haven’t done any since the original one. It came up with 3+ weeks pregnant, so the right answer. So nothing to do but hold on… One week today until my scan when I’ll be 7w1d. In the meantime I just keep trying to visualise the joy of seeing a heartbeat, even better two! I keep patting my belly and telling birch and beech (did I mention the crazy temporary names they got?!) to keep strong and keep growing. I keep reminding myself there is everything to hope for. I keep praying all will be well.

5w2d

..and it still doesn’t always feel real! Yes my boobs are feeling quite large and sore, and yes I have massively slow digestion, and yes I’m having to wee like all the time (3 times in the night last night was a new record), and yes my belly is very poochy most of the time (due to the digestion issues), but I don’t always feel pregnant. Especially as those things are likely more the side effects of the lovely progesterone pessaries. Still maybe until morning sickness / excessive tiredness / a noticeable baby bump appear, you don’t really always feel pregnant? 

Talking of the pessaries, I absolutely cannot remember or physically work out if I took one last night! Am I getting baby brain already?!? OH says I’ll have to make a chart to record all my drugs and tick them off when I take them. It’s probably a good idea just to be sure. 

I had quite a busy week. As I switched my Monday working day with Wednesday day off so I could go for my intralipids, it meant I had 3 working days in a row which I haven’t done since April! Then I was out socialising Wednesday and Thursday evening and both nights wasn’t home until 10.30. I was so glad yesterday was a non working day as I was weary! I felt quite lethargic all day actually but I think the weather didn’t help – it was 20C but grey and raining and the air felt very close. They were forecasting thunderstorms which would have helped clear things, but we didn’t have any here. 

Ive got quite a chilled weekend which is nice.. Not so fun for OH who has DIY to do! Am wondering what the next week will bring… Will I start feeling any morning sickness? I hear a lot of ladies get it at 6 weeks. We are going to a friends wedding next Saturday so it would be nice if it held off until after that! 

hCG update

Well the clexane is working! When I went for my third intralipid session yesterday morning (I now need one every 4 weeks until I’m 12 weeks pregnant) when the nurse put the cannula in my arm SO much blood ran out (this didn’t happen the first two times) that she asked if I was on blood thinners. I’m glad she said it was because of that as the volume of blood that went everywhere was kinda startling! It’s good to know the clexane is doing it’s job I guess;)

Yesterday I also had my second hCG test. My result was 1133! To put the number in context, I found out that the expected ranges are as follows:

  • For 4 weeks pregnant it is generally between 9.5 – 750
  • For 5 weeks is from 217 – 7138

In the early days they are looking for it to double every 48 hours.

Although no one medical said it, I guess my level is fairly high given I’m 4w 5d pregnant. However I don’t think that I can still take it as any indication that both my embys may have stuck. We’ll just have to wait for the scan, and even if there are 2 heart beats then you hear a lot about a “vanishing’ twin happening after that so I won’t get my hopes up too much, although inside I would be just so over the moon to have twins!  The high level has however given me a lot more hope that things will go successfully this time. Although I didn’t get the blood test last time so I don’t have any previous levels to compare to, but it does feel so much more positive. Every time I see my test stick on the bedside table with the two strong lines it makes me feel so warm and happy inside!

  
I got lots of congrats from various nurses I bumped into at the clinic which was just lovely, and I got a prescription for more drugs to last me until my first scan, and I collected those. When I got home I was feeling really tired from the travelling so I just chilled out the rest of the afternoon 😉

hCG levels and other waffle

Well I’m sat chilling in my “outlaws” conservatory, so I thought I might as well write a blog. We came up yesterday to celebrate our engagement with them, and to pick up my ring which has been made smaller to fit. It’s so lovely to be able to wear it all the time now 😉 I somehow don’t feel properly engaged unless it’s on! We told OH’s parents about our BFP too (and of course they are thrilled but it’s clearly tempered by our last experience, so it’s just a case of cautious happiness and optimism for a few weeks). We aren’t telling anyone other than our parents just now, not even my brother or sister yet. We’ll probably tell them after a successful first scan (booked for the 26th!), but we won’t tell other friends and family until 12 weeks. OH has no siblings himself. 

I spoke to a nurse at my clinic yesterday morning and my HCG on Friday was a healthy 365. Apparently anything over 5.9 counts as being pregnant! She said levels can vary a lot and 365 wasn’t necessarily especially high (I’d wondered if it could mean both our embryos have been successful). The key thing is checking my levels have at least doubled when I go for another HCG test on Monday. I’m also having a third intralipid infusion Monday and will have every 4 weeks until I get to 12 weeks. My progesterone levels were also good, so I don’t need to change my dosage of the lovely 2 pessaries a day.

I’ve been suffering pretty poor digestion and constipation last few days. As someone who never normally has any issues in this department I find it hard! I think OH finds some small satisfaction in knowing I know get what he goes through all the time, as that is an issue he has with his MS. Normally I never have to get up in the night but last 4-5 days I’ve had to get up for the loo at like 1.30 or 3am… Last night I was quite chuffed I made it through to 5! The small things!

We had a lovely italian meal last night, I’d say italian is my favourite. When it came to the dessert they had a cheese board that I really fancied but I didn’t  know if the cheeses would be pasteurised so I opted to be safe with profiteroles. 

One of my online cycle buddies got her BFP on Friday and is already starting to feel sick! I thought it would take a few weeks for that to start to hit, so I guess I’d better appreciate and enjoy feeling normal while I can. Although it sounds crazy I do really want to be hit by morning sickness, just as a sign things are all progressing. In those precious few weeks of my first pregnancy I had none, and I know some ladies are lucky enough not to experience it, but if I don’t I will worry if it means something is wrong. 

I’ve come out in spots lately, I guess it’s the hormones, maybe particularly the estrogen tablets I’m taking. I was so loving having better complexion lately too since improving my vitamin d levels! I’ve also been getting spider veins. Apparently I have a line of them appeared on my back, like on a line at the top of your knickers. I read they can be brought on by hormonal changes. I also found some odd remedies, like rubbing apple cider vinegar on them! Crazily I think I may try it!

Well I think that’s enough waffle for now. Enjoy your Sunday’s!

BFP!!!!!!!!

I’m pregnant!!!!!  I really am! I hoped and prayed and believed I was, and the 2ww was quite kind to me and I stayed calm throughout. Even last night I was calm (in cycle no. 1 I was a complete bag of nerves at that point.. Butterflies..sick to my stomach.. the works) and I wasn’t tempted to test when I had to get up for the loo at 3am, or when I first woke up at 6am, but when I woke at 7 it was time. That was when my heart started to pound so hard, but the lines came up clearly SO quickly! Then I was shaking like a leaf and crying with the happiness and relief!  Thank you to all who have been rooting or praying for me!

oh just look at those lovely clear beautiful no doubt about them two lines!
So now it’s to hoping and praying and believing that this IS our time, and whether it’s one or two or my embryos that have made it, that they stick for the duration!
I had an hCG test at my clinic yesterday (because I knew I couldn’t make it there today, which is official OTD), and also they tested my progesterone levels. I told them not to call me with results yesterday because OH wouldn’t be with me and I couldn’t bear for us not to find out together. So a nurse will ring later this morning with those results and then I’ll go back for a second HCG on Monday to check the levels are rising as they should be. They will adjust my progesterone dosage if need be too. I will also have to book in for my 3rd intralipid infusion in the week, and I’ll get my first scan date. Exciting times.

The sun is shining, the sky is blue, I also get to pick up my adjusted engagement ring today so I can wear it all the time.. It is THE best and happiest day!!  May it be a good one for you all too!